Compromise
Emotional Validation Series
(In this series I mixed up my writing format. Think of it as the spark notes version for Eleanor’s head. Deeper elaboration and story telling will be in video below.)
To review, we are discussing the 5 byproducts of receiving emotional validation from another instead of yourself. Today’s topic is Compromise.
(Click here for further elaboration on the diagram)
Compromise
An act of love? Or the sword you fall on?
It’s a fine line. And like anything else… it depends.
When considering compromise …. there’s a difference between accommodation and downgrading. To clarify:
Joint decisions aren’t bad
Negotiation doesn’t mean defeat
My question is … are you lowering your standards in multiple life domains to salvage a feeling of intimacy? Here’s a few illustrations of this dynamic:
Eating bad foods and drinking alcohol to make your social circle feel comfortable
Sacrificing your designated free time to run errands and do favors for family
Censoring your appearance and conversation to temper a friend’s jealousy
Two Key Factors
How do you know if you’re subconsciously compromising in the name of emotional validation?
You’re Minimizing:
You don’t communicate the true effort it took for you to contribute to the other party or purposefully make light of it
You prioritize the feelings of others above your personal needs
Attempting to mediate another’s emotional landscape is a passive approach to controlling them (more in video)
Lack of Boundaries
The boundaries that were once firm have become fluid
Too much fluidity results in osmosis, people are coming in and out of your life as they please
People perceive your boundaries as suggestions or preferences, if this is the case it’s likely you have not set them as declarations or don’t fully believe you should enforce them even if it’s your preference (more in video on boundaries being energetic not vocal demands)
Observation - Often when people compromise and know they shouldn’t, there’s a story/reason/explanation for why they’re doing what they’re doing (which can be perceived as an excuse).
Real Life Examples Applying the Chart. Validation + Hidden Addiction = Compromise
Appearance - Craves the spotlight and compromises health for beauty
Personality - Needs to feel noticed and compromises integrity to be funny
Impact - Needs to be needed and compromises passions for responsibility
Relationships - Needs a scapegoat and compromises family time to work over time
What to do?
Own your desires without the story (stop making excuses and justifications)
“I’d like to be married but I’m getting older and my last relationship didn’t work and I think I want to focus on my career but I want to have kids soon and I want the wedding to be in a farm but what if he doesn’t like nature bla bla bla”
“I’d like to be married.”
Omit negative conjunctions (but, if, even though etc.) when expressing what you’d like and replace it with “and”
“I want to travel but I have young kids”
“I want to travel and I have young kids”
Have faith in the creation of the desire AND the self-worth to believe you can receive it. Change paradigm to “I can have both.”
Believe in a higher power or believe in your own power to create the reality
Reframe languaging from win-loose to win-win to act as a feedback loop for the mind
I feel like dating even though I’m over weight
I feel like dating and I get to dress up
More in depth conversation on my video below.
More awareness. More observation. More critical thinking.
Leads us to
More joy. More fulfillment. More wonder. More enchantment.
Thanks for learning with me and joining the conversation.
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