You're a Piece of Shit
And I Can't Get Enough of You
There was this guy I liked.
A lot.
Arguably too much.
(for what it was)
But I couldn’t help it.
When I fall…. I fall.
Started with some bumps that got smoothed out.
Then some wrinkles that got ironed out.
A few falls we picked ourselves up from.
But then it started to be more mishaps and less recovery…
Statements of:
“I’ll call you back” with nothing to show for it
“Let’s go shopping” with no follow through
“I want you” when it’s sexy but not when it’s adorable
I had enough. This merry-go-round of “let’s DO this” and “I’m DONE”. The rollercoaster of connection and intimacy with misunderstanding and stonewalling. Feeling like I was in my power and had the control and then depleted of energy with thoughts controlling me. Peacocking like I had gotten one up on him but then yearning for his engagement.
I had done my reflection. I looked at my part. But I wanted to tell him his.
Exhausted. Terrified. Nervous.
I arranged a meet up.
He was a writer (as am I) so I decided to write him a letter. And I laid it all out for him.
In the most articulate form you’ve ever heard; I called him a worthless piece of shit. And I provided evidence.
“You’ve exercised personal power under the notion of controlling who talks to you when. Your repetitive tactics of ghosting and blocking shortly revoked weeks later by a late night sexting spree. The classic ‘I’m Horny’ text somehow loosely translating as an apology and you’re ready to connect”
And I didn’t stop.
I poked in holes in every aspect of his masculinity.
I went after his word. His behavior. His religion.
I called him on everything he claimed.
I shook the walls of his sense of self and crumbled them down in a sequential line of arguments. My delivery was so fucking solid. I KNEW the only response would be shame. And his failure on how he was showing up as a man.
Sounds like I had it all together huh?
I was petrified.
Scared as hell to give it to him. I couldn’t even be there when he opened it.
What’s crazy is… I gave it to him, cried and literally ran away. He stopped me and said not to close him out like that. Not to shut down. To talk to him.
And so… I did. I cried (in barnes & noble) and gave him the weight on my heart. And we returned to that sweet spot. Where our connection is. The one we can’t deny but seemingly can’t figure out how to sustain. But somehow always manage to return to… He left so happy and feeling closer than we had before because I actually opened up. I emoted my true feelings. I animated the truth in front of him and he could feel it.
We go to leave and he hugs me. I say… thanks, but I want you to know… you may change your mind after reading that letter.
He said really? I’ll wait. I’ll do it later.
Anxiety all over the place. I waited. Knowing that was the last time I would have that connection. Accepting that I did the most dramatic thing imaginable to create it’s end.
A call.
And a text.
“Thank you. You’re right. I needed that.”
Utter…. Disbelief.
Fast forward.
This week he surprised me with coffee at the gym.
Last week he surprised me with flowers at work.
The week before that he said he knew I was dating others and asked how he could be number one in the rotation.
He told me he knows he’s not in the best position right now for my needs, but is adamant he will figure out how we can co-exist even if another man delivers it before he can.
This.
Is the brutal and beautiful power of the femme fatale.
The difficulty of facing yourself and facing the man and saying this is ugly, but it’s worth it on the other side. This is a cluster fuck of a love story. But there’s love in it. I have no idea what the hell is going on with you but I can’t deny I’m crazy for you.
The mess. The chaos. The revival. The ascension.
There is no true love story that is sanitized and clean.
Yours isn’t. And mine isn’t either.
What good story is written like that any way?
Pain & Pleasure: the art of being a woman who knows who she is, what she wants and who the man is in front of her and doing what it takes to be in the best position possible.
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He needs your full expression just as much as you do.
See ya there. <3
