Toleration
Emotional Validation Series
Part 2!
To recap my intention on emotional validation:
My hope is we’re able to take proper inventory of our motivations and implement the best decision making. Emotional Validation is a sneaky subconscious play that adversely effects our choices. I’d like to bring this to our attention to properly strategize living our best lives.
First, let us review the flow chart, then summarize toleration and bring it altogether in the video below.
Toleration
Toleration is recognizing that someone or something is adversely effecting your well being and going along with it any way. Those who find themselves in this category have a true nike ethos, no matter what’s happening they “just do it” anyway.
To repeat myself, there are skillful expressions and unskillful expressions of this dynamic. For example, families might put up with annoying tendencies and “tolerate” moods to get through the day. This is not the topic I’m discussing.
My piece is evaluating the dynamic of those who are mentally, emotionally, physically and energetically weathering away without prioritizing a refuel station.
I find those in this category fall under one of two points psychologically:
There is a defeating self-narrative that prioritizes pain, rejection or subpar experiences over uplifting, expansive ones
Their focus is on the greater good of the group or individual before themselves (which starts amendable and evolves into detrimental)
Here’s two illustrations of this dynamic:
A young man in his 30’s continues to help his parents every weekend around the house even though they criticize his life and speak poorly about his wife.
A friend you grew up is flakey and backs out of plans you’ve made last second every time and yet you’re always available for their calls.
Two Key Factors
How do you know if you’re subconsciously tolerating in the name of emotional validation?
An easy give away is there is a high level of resentment. Someone is doing something they perceive to be “a lot” or witnessing another do something they view as unfavorable and not speaking on it. Instead of vocalizing their needs or desires resentment builds.
I’m not sure why, but the energetic expression of toleration for me is swallowing. If you are tolerating something you are swallowing your emotions around it. In extreme forms you feel like you’re going to burst or you’re hanging on by a thread.
Real Life Examples Applying the Chart. Validation + Hidden Addiction = Toleration
Appearance - He always tells her she’s pretty which makes her feel significant, so she tolerates him flirting with other women.
Personality - She tells him what a good provider he is which gives him the feeling of being noticed, so he tolerates her emotional instability.
Impact - A football player receives praise from the assistant coach which satisfies his need for approval, so he tolerates being bullied by his teammates.
Relationships - A personal assistant is at the boss’s beckon call which validates her desire to be needed, so she tolerates his late night calls and demands of her time off.
What to do?
Say your looping thoughts out loud
Everything makes sense in your head. Everything is perfectly justified in there. Sometimes a voice memo or even a journal prompt will give a 3rd person perspective to re-evaluate the situation.
Give without expectation
Don’t keep imaginary score in your head. This quiet point system is building resentment.
Be honest with yourself with what you can give and be honest with others.
Say What's On Your Mind or Let It Go
Voice your needs and/or desires. If something doesn’t work for you, say it. If you don’t appreciate how you’re being addressed, say it. Problem solving is the next step, but you can’t skip the acknowledgement phase or be mad at the other party that you avoided it.
If you can do what was requested and choose to, communicate the effort it will take of you. Let others know your schedule, obligations and outside focus so you’re all on the same page.
If you decided to “do” or “stay”, recognize that it’s done. You can choose differently for next time or continue things as they are. Stop holding onto the past.
Express yourself privately or creatively
Not everything calls for a response. But we can’t keep swallowing our emotions either.
If you’re not in a position to address the party directly, get it out of your system. Write, talk out loud or channel it creatively. Art, movement, design, digital creation are a few of many options. E-mote what’s been activated so you’re not absorbed by toleration.
The outline above with more details can be found in the video below.
Staying sharper together.
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