ATL
Off to Georgia! This is my third house sitting gig in the line up, and the one I was most excited for. I found it last minute. The trip fit perfectly in my time slot and was on 18 acres, 30 minutes outside of Atlanta. The dream life I have envisioned for myself presented as a mini trial run.
You know that saying, you plan and God laughs?
Yes one of those.
I arrive the night before the host’s flight to go over the routine. She had several cats and outdoor animals. I wasn’t intimidated by the number or taking care of animals outside. A year of farming has me prepped for just about anything.
To keep this brief and respectful, the house was not in a state to receive a guest. She was subjected to the flimsy timeline of contractors and her house was upside down. It’s one thing to put your washer and dryer in the living room for new tile, but it’s another to have work done in a space that’s been unkept. To spare the details I reviewed her routine and listened to her needs and said “I am going to fulfill my commitment to you, but I cannot stay here.”
I can’t describe the swell of emotions I experienced making my proclamation and having her receive it. In my internal debate of how much to share with all of you, I’m leaning towards less is more to respect her personage and privacy.
Everything did get resolved. She was very receptive to my comfort level and I remained understanding of the last-minute plans. We arranged an agreement where she fixed up the house for me to stay one night, which I completed. Both of us upheld our end of the bargain we pieced together. Her and I moved and communicated with respect and adapted courteously in our new dynamic. All things considering, it ended up being the best case scenario for the hand we were dealt. For that I’m thankful.
I did stay in the city for the weekend and went back for a night the following week. I’ll share the sight-seeing in the next post, but I’ll take a moment of catharsis here.
The gratitude I have for who I am, who I’m connected to and the resources accessible to me is beyond words. This was a smooth pivot because I had these things in order. I am someone who will speak up even if it’s uncomfortable. I have family a few hours away whose door is always open. I have finances in order to front a last minute hotel that won’t break my bank. And lastly, the unexpected blessings that found me along the way.
If any of these foundational pieces were out of line, a multitude of outcomes could have happened. To clarify, my mind isn’t going to a dark place. I’m reflecting on who I am and how I’ve situated myself to negotiate clearly while displaying compassion. I didn’t have a freak out of being stranded or feel the need to demand more compensation. I could respectfully acknowledge a situation and bow out with class and dignity. If I was in fight or flight because of lack, I couldn’t connect or problem solve like I did. My gratitude is overpouring.
Here’s the funny thing about all this. I was shaken up. I knew what was right for me, communicated it, and had somewhere to turn to. Yet even with all that in order I felt like the rug got pulled from underneath me. I needed to stabilize and shake it off. I called a mentor after to rebalance emotionally so I could tap in logically. I needed that 20 minutes of wtf. It served me well.
I spent two more nights in the city before telling my aunt my trip was unexpectedly cut in half. I enjoyed my time and met great people. Yet when it was time to drive back I had this odd experience. I felt like it wasn’t time to leave but I didn’t feel like operation “figure it out”. I wanted to explore and test my real vision, owning land outside the city. One part wanted to stay and another aspect filled with unease. My mind went to my aunts place, the gym, Kansas City. All places of great comfort. Baffled with this wave of emotion as I got on the interstate, I needed to discern something.
Is it Atlanta or is it me?
I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. I called a friend which helped some but didn’t crystalize my understanding. I spoke to another mentor who assisted in clarifying some of the pieces. I’m not sure how it clicked but it did.
I’ve had experiences in the past where someone put me in a position that was not for my highest good. Situations where the natural response would be to avoid that context, setting or dynamic.
I refuse.
I refuse to have anyone create an experience that left me fleeing and resulted in avoidance. Each time it’s happened I make arrangements for a re-do. I know it’s not the situation it’s the person. And I refuse to have someone hold that kind of power in my psychology. Not sure what is it, but I go back and face it. I know I’ll rewire myself and it won’t have a hold on me.
This came to me after I returned to SC. I gave my aunt the down low, went to a familiar bed, took a hot shower and went to sleep.
The next day I got up and said: I’m going back.
The first trip I adapted, I saw the city, met new people and made the best of it. But somehow that was topical. I needed to re-establish myself there with a stronger foundation. Not sure how to describe it, but the house rattled something in me that needed to be sturdier. The aspect of me that seeked for comfort by turning to my gym in Kansas City.. It needed a makeover and I wanted to rewire the neural pathway.
There’s no denying that I needed comfort, I needed my aunt, and I needed to recalibrate.
This is what I think. Everyone should have a zone of safety to return to. As you explore, grow, take risks there should be a space that welcomes you as you need.
It seems to be a privilege for a few and non-existent for others. I believe that great things come from discomfort and some people are the best versions of themselves because they didn’t have anything to lean on. Yet I wonder if stress, illness and trauma could be avoided for those that didn’t have the option.
In psychology, we call this the zone of proximal development. For example, a toddler sees their mother, runs to explore the playground and returns when they’re ready and then leaves to explore again when they’re ready.
Whether it’s a house on a lake, partnership or prayer to God. Everyone deserves to balance their own scales of security and adventure.